I have a monster that lives in my head. I call him Kevin.
Most of the time Kevin is not around. But Kevin loves misery so when things get a little tough for me Kevin likes to show up and wreck havoc.
Kevin makes my life almost unbearable. He stops me from sleeping and he takes away my appetite. He fills me with the most awful sense of despair. He takes the joy out of life and makes it almost impossible for me to find things to make me smile. He makes me cry.
Having Kevin around fills me with chest crushing anxiety. He tells me not to train, not to leave the house, not to smile or enjoy life, and not to see my friends. He also stops me from going to work.
Every day is a battle with what Kevin wants me to believe is true - that I will never feel happy again, that I will never be able to go back to work, that I will never get better, that I will never feel motivated to train, that I will never love life and that Kevin is here to stay for good this time.
At the moment most days I give in to Kevin and he wins. But I just can't give up because somewhere, deep down, I know that things WILL get better.
While I know that Kevin loves misery I also know he hates joy and happiness. So, as convincing as Kevin can be, I make myself get up in the morning. I put on my training clothes and step out the door. I meet up with my friends who smile and laugh and make Kevin cringe and hide. I might not always be good company but I know how to make Kevin go away, even if it's only for a short time - I train and surround myself with my friends.
Don't judge me because of Kevin. I'm not weird or strange. Don't be afraid to talk to me or ask me how I'm going - I'd actually appreciate it. I also appreciate hugs. Kevin hates them. I like sunshine. Kevin hates it. I like cups of tea with friends. Kevin hates them. My aim is to make Kevin as uncomfortable as possible so he sets me free.
I completely understand about Kevin. I dont have a name for mine.
ReplyDeleteYou will beat Kevin because you are stronger than he is. Even on your darkest days, there is always that glimmer of Cheri that Kevin can never extinguish. Keep fighting the good fight honey, your friends will always be there for you and if they aren't, then they weren't true friends at all.
Does it help to know that almost everyone has a Kevin of some size? Mine's mainly only tiny but your post reminds me so much of my sister and I really feel for you.
ReplyDeleteI know he's been with you for a long time, but I also know from knowing you and the comments on your blog that people don't judge you because of him. They love you and support you and want to help if they can.
Try to stay in the sun. xx
Jayne